It doesn’t feel real. The empty, numb feeling makes our hearts ache. We didn’t think it could happen to us.
The feelings of guilt have set in, even though we did nothing wrong. This was one of the hardest things we’ve ever experienced. It was not meant to be. But I can’t help but wonder why. Why were we not allowed to meet you and get to know you?
You have taught us so much already even though you were so tiny. You will continue to teach & impact our lives as we heal. We will never forget you and we will talk about you often, I know it will get easier, we just need time. Your brothers will know that you were apart of our family for a short time but in our hearts forever.
The only difference between this experience and going through labour & birth at full term, is that you don’t get to hold a breathing baby, and that is something I will never forgot.
I still can’t say the word because it hurts to much. Before this happened to us, I was so ignorant to this experience, I was never rude but I just never truly understood what another mama would go through during this. The pain and bleeding is unreal and the emotional healing is going to be a process.
It’s not just the fact that your baby is now gone. It is so much more then that and I have a hard time putting it into words. If you have experienced this pain you know what it feels like.
Our Experience.
It was early January when we saw the little blue lines light up. We were so excited to meet you!!
Around 4 weeks I started experiencing intense cramping, it happened 3 different time. This was very strange because I had never felt this pain before. The 3rd time it happened the pain was so intense Craig was going to take me to the hospital. The pain subsided and I got some rest.
We got to meet a new midwife and was excited to experience pregnancy again. I remember thinking, we only have 2 bedrooms so we’ll have to get a bunk bed for the boys to share. How fun that will be for them!!
We had our first ultrasound February 3rd and didn’t hear the results for it till the next week. I roughly knew our conception date and a rough “guess” date but wanted to know a more precise date on when this little one could arrive. (“Due” date was September 20th- I put quotations around that because each baby comes when they are ready.)
Upon talking to the midwife, she told me that the heart rate was low and that could mean “miscarriage”. Hearing that word sounded foreign to me. So I didn’t think to much into that because I trusted my body and I didn’t feel we needed to take immediate action for something that was not happening. A lot of the time the midwives and doctors can go to the worse case scenario, which is helpful so you are aware. But we thought if that’s what’s going to happen then it will show some sign but we’re going to believe this baby will be healthy.
This was the longest 2 weeks of our lives. The not knowing made it very challenging to not think about. The following Friday (Feb. 11) I noticed a tiny bit of brown blood (old blood) when I went to the washroom. Didn’t think much of it because that was normal as the uterus grows. Saturday I had a bit more but still not concerned, I was letting Craig know and we were openly communicating. Sunday morning it was a bit darker, feeling a bit of concern, because it just seemed odd. (I never experienced spotting or anything during my last 2 pregnancies) But I was still believing this baby is extremely healthy and this pregnancy is healthy. (I was thinking about what I wanted not about the fear because that brings more fear, when there was nothing to be fearful of.)
Sunday afternoon was when things changed, when I went to the washroom I had bright red blood and some clots. I knew in my mind what was happening but my heart didn’t want to believe it. I cried as I told Craig what just happened. We called the midwives because it was increasing. They didn’t say much other then all the risks, what to look for and asked me what I wanted to do. I said I will keep monitoring but wanted to stay home because there was still no emergency.
At this point it was just some bleeding, no cramping or pain. Monday, the bleeding had increased a bit so I was just taking care of myself and resting. My emotions were ok but anytime I thought about it, I would start crying. I knew this much bleeding was not normal for a healthy pregnancy but didn’t want to think about it.
Tuesday, February 15, 2022 will never be the same for us. The bleeding was increasing and around the afternoon I started feeling some cramping. Craig came home to help me out with the boys. I chatted with my doula mentor to help work through somethings I was feeling, this call was so helpful and reassuring for me. The cramping had really increased and was painful. I was so grateful to be chatting with Sasha when this was happening, although I didn’t really know it was happening.
The bleeding and blood clots were insane. This is when Paisley passed. Craig was able to come and help me get cleaned up because I was a mess physically and emotionally. Shortly after the placenta passed and just like that the cramping was over. It was a weird feeling, I felt a sense of relief because we know knew what was happening. We didn’t have to worry anymore and it still hadn't really set in what just happened. I was no longer pregnant.
I was able to cry, hug my husband and the boys and feel extreme gratitude to have them here with me. It was a long time waiting but then it just all happened so fast!
Paisley Elizabeth, you will never be forgotten and forever in our hearts We will always celebrate you and remember these dates. Your brothers will know who you were even though we never got to meet you. So grateful for you because you will have a HUGE impact on us and millions of others!
We will do some kind of ceremony when we are ready to honour her life and have a stone that is hers. I feel this will help with closure and help us move forward but will never forget because she has a piece of my heart forever.
Please just be sensitive for those who haven’t experienced it and don’t understand what it feels like. Just be there to support that family anyway you can. Do things to help them, they need time to heal and the mama needs time to work through the physical, mental and emotional pain.
I am 1 in 4 women who experienced this, it’s more common then we think. I am spreading more awareness on this topic because it needs to be talked about. Suffering alone will worsen the pain.
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